I’ve been absent for a bit longer than I meant to, sorry about that.
Obviously my mum and sister have been away, they get back tomorrow. In my last post I talked about how my dad wanted to “give me a holiday” which meant he had grand plans to do lots of stuff. Unfortunately this has been slightly scuppered by our Great British weather…it’s been raining pretty consistently for the past 4/5 days. We’ve made it out a couple of times, dodging the rain showers. We just went to a couple of really nice open, green spaces in the city where we live.
I was surprised at how anxious I was when it came to actually leaving the house. For so long all my energy has been focused on getting a wheelchair, that I didn’t actually think much about the fact that I’d be able to get out a lot more. I’ve never really thought about whether I’d become slightly agoraphobic, but I think maybe I have. I guess it wouldn’t be surprising, I’ve been ill for 3 1/2 years, and been housebound for the majority of that. I don’t really know what I’m anxious about, so it’s impossible to explain to people.
Anyway so the first time I went out it my dad just pushed me around for 10 minutes and then we went home. The second time he pushed me for about 10 minutes, then we sat for a bit, and then he pushed me back.
The first time it was weird. I was anxious about being outside, it was the first time in the wheelchair so I was feeling self conscious and felt like people were looking at me. I was glad that we didn’t stay out long. The second time I felt a less anxious and self conscious, so was able to enjoy it more. It was so nice to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair (and boy was it windy).
We were supposed to go out again today, to a bookshop in town just to have a browse as that’s something I’ve really missed doing, but we had to stay in and wait for a delivery (which still hasn’t turned up – very annoying).
I’m very glad that I have the wheelchair, but I’ve been forced to realise it’s not like waving a magic wand and I can now go out all the time. Apart from having all my other symptoms to contend with, I have the anxiety, although I’m hopeful that’ll get better in time. Plus I actually have to get used to the idea of being in a wheelchair, which is not something anybody wants when they’re 22. It’s not normal, but it’s a new kind of normal.
Until next time. Rhosyn.