Now, I’ve never been a fan of new years eve, even before I got ill I never really enjoyed it that much. Sure, it’s an excuse to have a party which I loved, but I never really understood why it was something to celebrate. To me, it was just a night like any other but with an added weight of expectation, and because of that it was always an anticlimax.
I don’t think it exactly falls under the “compulsory happiness” region, it’s somewhere between that and “organised fun,” another thing that, both me and my sister, have rebelled against since we were little. Now of course I’m tucked up in bed asleep long before Big Ben rings in the new year, I’m blissfully unaware of the fireworks and the scores of people who have drunk way (way) too much.
The new year brings with it the desire for a fresh start, everyone I know seems to make resolutions, most of which barely make it through first week of January. I want a fresh start as much as anyone, but what resolutions can I make to ensure that? The only thing that would really do that would be a reset button on my body, and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen. How can you make a resolution when so much of your life is out of your control? The answer is, you can’t.
2016 will mark the start of my 5th year of illness. At the end of each of those years I’ve tried to end them on a positive note. I try to convince myself this next year will be the year where I really make progress, this will be the year that my life gets back on track. But despite many, many attempts, it hasn’t happened yet.
My mental state fluctuates between “I’ve been ill for 5 years, I got this, nothing can break me now!” and “I’ve been ill for 5 years, I can’t take anymore!” As I’m writing this I’d say I’m somewhere in the middle.
Although this year hasn’t brought with it any disastrous setbacks, which I suppose I should be thankful for, I have been steadily declining. I constantly felt like I was holding on to the vestiges of my life by my fingernails, unable to pull myself back up but so unwilling to let go. However as the year has gone on, I have let go, piece by piece, until there isn’t much left.
I keep thinking that I must have hit rock bottom by now, because after rock bottom things have to start looking up right? They do say it’s always darkest before the dawn. Well anyway, it doesn’t seemed to have happened yet.
I really really hope that 2016 will bring some improvement, but honestly I have no idea if that’ll happen. All I can do is try and spend as much time with people I love, and doing and many things as possible that bring me joy and happiness, so maybe that’s my resolution. I want to thank everyone who reads and comments on this blog, it’s a little ray of sunshine in my life. I hope you all have a wonderful 2016.
Until next time, Rhosyn.