A New Year With No Resolutions

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Hello there,

Now, I’ve never been a fan of new years eve, even before I got ill I never really enjoyed it that much. Sure, it’s an excuse to have a party which I loved, but I never really understood why it was something to celebrate. To me, it was just a night like any other but with an added weight of expectation, and because of that it was always an anticlimax.

I don’t think it exactly falls under the “compulsory happiness” region, it’s somewhere between that and “organised fun,” another thing that, both me and my sister, have rebelled against since we were little.  Now of course I’m tucked up in bed asleep long before Big Ben rings in the new year, I’m blissfully unaware of the fireworks and the scores of people who have drunk way (way) too much.

The new year brings with it the desire for a fresh start, everyone I know seems to make resolutions, most of which barely make it through first week of January. I want a fresh start as much as anyone, but what resolutions can I make to ensure that? The only thing that would really do that would be a reset button on my body, and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen. How can you make a resolution when so much of your life is out of your control? The answer is, you can’t.

2016 will mark the start of my 5th year of illness. At the end of each of those years I’ve tried to end them on a positive note. I try to convince myself this next year will be the year where I really make progress, this will be the year that my life gets back on track. But despite many, many attempts, it hasn’t happened yet.

My mental state fluctuates between “I’ve been ill for 5 years, I got this, nothing can break me now!” and “I’ve been ill for 5 years, I can’t take anymore!”  As I’m writing this I’d say I’m somewhere in the middle.

Although this year hasn’t brought with it any disastrous setbacks, which I suppose I should be thankful for, I have been steadily declining. I constantly felt like I was holding on to the vestiges of my life by my fingernails, unable to pull myself back up but so unwilling to let go. However as the year has gone on, I have let go, piece by piece, until there isn’t much left.

I keep thinking that I must have hit rock bottom by now, because after rock bottom things have to start looking up right?  They do say it’s always darkest before the dawn. Well anyway, it doesn’t seemed to have happened yet.

I really really hope that 2016 will bring some improvement, but honestly I have no idea if that’ll happen. All I can do is try and spend as much time with people I love, and doing and many things as possible that bring me joy and happiness, so maybe that’s my resolution. I want to thank everyone who reads and comments on this blog, it’s a little ray of sunshine in my life. I hope you all have a wonderful 2016.

Until next time, Rhosyn.

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The Christmas Fog

Hello everyone,

About 6 months ago, right before my birthday, I wrote a blog post called Compulsory Happiness Is Hard in which I said that my depression always increases around big events such as birthdays, Christmas, and pretty much any time where it’s expected of me to be happy. Basically…I’m feeling it again now. I have the Christmas fog.

I call depression a fog because for me it most accurately describes how I feel. It clouds every thought, judgment and action. It envelopes me so completely, that I can’t see through it to believe that it’ll lift, and I can’t see behind me to remember that it wasn’t always like this. When the fog is here, everything in the whole world seems grey.

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I’ve been going round and round in circles in my head the last few days trying to work out why I can’t feel happy like everyone else does, why the fog of depression always seems to descend at the most inconvenient of times. I mean there are people who are way more ill than me who seem to be able to enjoy christmas! Why can’t I?!

I’ve puzzled over this for hours, getting more and more frustrated, thinking that if I can just think it through one more time maybe I’ll come up with an answer and all my problems will be solved. Of course rationally I know that won’t happen, but as I’ve said before depression is not rational.

It doesn’t help matter that I’ve had a really tough couple of days. I helped decorate the Christmas tree on Saturday (wild I know), which involved lifting my arms a lot.  Turns out that was a really really bad idea, and for the next couple of days I had such bad muscle weakness in them I could barely lift a cup of tea to my mouth, and that’s a big problem if you’re British!

Anyway, today my arms seem to have recovered from their workout, and I had a counselling session which helped with the black fog a bit. Now all I need to do is hitch a smile on my face and I’ll be ready to tackle Christmas day…I think. Wish me luck!

Until next time. Rhosyn.

On The Business Of Being Alone

Hello everyone!

Now, I spend the majority of my day alone, with no-one to talk to except myself, and my bad tempered cat. And when I say the majority, I don’t mean “51% – only just a majority” I mean “95% – seeing people for around 5 minutes a few times a day”.

I’m not saying this in a “boo hoo, poor me way”, or to try and give people a (not so) subtle hint that I want them to talk to me, because generally it doesn’t bother me. Not any more. Continue reading

I’ve Got A Plan-ish

Hello there,

Thanks for the lovely response I got to my last post, I greatly appreciate any advice and will be taking it all into account.

I had a bit of a meltdown on Wednesday, I had counselling and spent most of it crying, but I feel a lot better now. I don’t know about you but every-so-often I need to have day where I just cry and vent all my negative feelings. It allows me to be positive for all the other days (which are in the majority).

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Conundrum

Hello there,

So I think we can all agree that, in terms of this blog, November was a bit of a bust. I swear it only feels like it’s been a week since October, but apparently not, and here we sit on the 1st December.

All that positivity that I wrote about in my last post, after my appointment with the ME clinic, has sort of all gone out of the window, and everything is a big ball of complicated overwhelming confusion. I’ll start at the beginning…

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