So today marks two whole years since I started this blog. Wow, I’m actually finding this hard to believe.
This time last year, for My Chronic Life’s 1st birthday I wrote a summary of all my favourite posts that year. I’m not going to do that this year, because to be honest I don’t feel that proud of much of the content that I’ve produced on here this year. I don’t think I’ve written many particularly insightful, or thought provoking posts.
For the majority of this second year, I haven’t even been writing proper blog posts. I’ve just been posting the videos I’ve made along with little bit of written commentary, and that’s something I’m quite sad about. I don’t want people to think that because I’ve decided to make videos I can’t be bothered, or don’t want to write blog posts anymore. That couldn’t be further from the truth, I can’t tell you how much I miss writing.
When I film little clips of my day I just say what I’m feeling, whether that’s anger, frustration, relief or excitement, and that’s good because it helps me remember those moments that would otherwise be lost in the huge swirl of the big picture. Writing however, is a much more reflective process, and helps give me distance to see the big picture of my overall health, which is something I really struggle with.
The reality is though, however much I want to write, I have to find the energy to do it, and that has been a problem for most of this year, because my goodness…it’s been hectic. This year has been huge for me. After making the decision to turn to private healthcare, my diagnosis has completely changed. I now know I have Chronic Lyme Disease (and other assorted co-infections, chronic viral infections and fungal infections). I also mysteriously got diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, much to my (and all my doctors) confusion, I spent thousands of pounds on many different tests and I decided to undergo a months worth of IV antibiotics which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and as is well documented didn’t exactly go to plan. I did start to feel small improvements, but then was pushed right back to the start again because of a medication change a couple of months ago. So, it’s been a rollercoaster.
I have a tendency to be very hard on myself, I always feel like I could have done better, gone further, been stronger, and when I started writing this post that’s what I was expecting to say. But as I was writing the above paragraph I thought no hang on, I may feel like I’ve not devoted enough time and energy to writing properly, but that’s ok, because it’s been a crazy year. I’ve gone through the whole spectrum of emotions, I know people overuse that phrase…but seriously I have! haha.
I could say I hope the next year will be filled with less extremes, but to live with any chronic illness is to live a life of extremes. I get ridiculously happy when I can make it downstairs to have a shower and wash my hair, or when a DVD I’ve bought gets delivered. I also can get really sad from one small word or look that someone gives me. Not to mention the endless doctors appointments that exhaust you just as much emotionally as they do physically, and I think part of the reason is that when your world shrinks to the size of your bedroom, your emotions expand to fill the void.
So I doubt that next year will involve less extremes, but I can say I hope that it’ll include more positive ones, and maybe I’ll be able to write properly more often. Thank you for reading and supporting me through this year. Here’s to the next one.
Until next time, Rhosyn.