Turning 24!

So two weeks ago, I had my 24th birthday. I know I’ve talked on here quite a lot about how my depression spikes around Christmas’s and birthday’s, and so I often struggle. However I managed to largely avoid it this year, it was only the afternoon of the day before my birthday that I felt the black clouds descending, luckily it was only a passing shower, not a full on storm.

This was my 6th birthday since I’ve been chronically ill, 8th if you count the two years when I was definitely ill, but didn’t realise it, although I don’t in this case because I was able to celebrate my 17th and 18th relatively normally.

My birthday didn’t actually get going until about 5:30pm, because I had to wait for my mum to get home from work and for my grandparents to arrive before anything remotely “birthdayish” happened. I was quite worried because the trend of the few days before was me feeling okay in the morning, but then as the day went my pain steadily increased until by around 4pm all I could do was lay in bed in a dark room. Sure enough the pain was steadily increasing, and I didn’t know how I was going to get through presents, cards and chatting, but miraculously when I went downstairs the pain lifted slightly and I was actually able to enjoy myself.

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New Kitten & The End Of Year 1 – Treatment Weeks 51 & 52

Hello there,

Two very exciting things happened this week. Firstly, after a bit of a palaver, we finally got our kitten! He is wonderful, adorable and practically perfect in every way. Seriously, look at that thumbnail!

Secondly, I made it to the end of treatment year one! I posted a special video, and wrote a blog post talking about how I feel about it in more detail, so I’m not going to say too much about it here, but I do just want to say one thing.

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1 year treatment anniversary!

Hello there,

Well, here I am, 365 days after writing The Results Are In – I Have Lyme Disease. I think I’ve said this before about my time in treatment but I’ll say it again, it simultaneously feels much longer and much shorter than a year. When I’m laying in bed in lots of pain, unable to tolerate any light, the minutes seem to crawl by, but then I can blink and yet another month has gone past.

I’ve been trying to think how best to sum up this past year, and honestly I’m not sure I can, or at least not well…but obviously I’m going to try, or what would be the point of this blog post right?

Overall…it’s been tough.  The days where I’ve felt happy and confident that I’m heading in the right direction have definitely been in the minority. That’s not to say I haven’t seen improvements, the first 6 months, when I was on oral and then IV antibiotics, I definitely saw improvements in individual symptoms, but overall I felt worse, because I have terrible herx’s and side effects from the antibiotics. The last 6 months overall I’ve been feeling better because I’ve not been on antibiotics, I’ve been on a herbal protocol instead, but my symptoms themselves have been worse.

However I’m not sure the last 6 months really counts! haha. In January I came off a medication I’d been on for 3 years and all hell pretty much broke loose. I couldn’t sleep, my GI symptoms went through the roof, I was so nauseas I struggled to eat and even drink. So the last few months, my Lyme treatment has taken somewhat of a back seat, as I’ve just been so focused on trying to work out how to improve my GI symptoms, and unfortunately I’m still trying.

I feel like it’s been so chaotic that I’ve barely been able to catch my breath. I wish I could say I’d seen massive improvements and I was well on the way to feeling better, but I can’t. Although I’ve seen small improvements in some areas, in the main ones; fatigue and pain, I haven’t. Obviously that is pretty disheartening, actually no…it’s heartbreaking, but I don’t let my heart break every day. I have to keep wake up every morning, keep taking my dozens of tablets, do my best to support my recovery in others ways, because I just have to keep going.

I knew when I was diagnosed with Chronic Lyme disease that I would be in it for the long haul in terms of treatment, and I knew I wanted to keep a record of the big picture, not just the vlogs I’ve been doing so I decided to capture one second of my day, every day. I’m amazed I’ve kept it up for a year, and you can view the result right here.

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My Chronic Life Turns Two!

Hello there,

So today marks two whole years since I started this blog. Wow, I’m actually finding this hard to believe.

2nd-Birthday-Image.jpg

This time last year, for My Chronic Life’s 1st birthday I wrote a summary of all my favourite posts that year. I’m not going to do that this year, because to be honest I don’t feel that proud of much of the content that I’ve produced on here this year. I don’t think I’ve written many particularly insightful, or thought provoking posts.

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My Chronic Life Turns One

Hello there,

So today marks one year since I created this blog.  I can’t believe a year has gone by already, it does not feel like year! Although that’s mainly because nothing has really changed, I’m still not any better, but lets not dwell on that! What I want to do is talk about some of my favourite blog posts that I’ve written in this first year, plus if you’re new to my blog then it will give a good starting point as to the best bits to read.

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Turning 22

Hello there,

So a couple of days ago it was my 22nd birthday. In my last post I talked about how I was feeling quite down about it, but I also said that with me, the anticipation is always worse than the actual event, and it was true this time as well.

In our family we have had the same routine for every birthday for as long as I can remember. Cards and presents with breakfast, whatever we feel like doing for the majority of the day, and then tea and cake in the afternoon with extended family. I would have expected this to vary slightly over the last couple of years what with my sister going to university and me not being ill, but somehow we’ve managed to maintain it.

However this year it became obvious that we couldn’t do presents in the morning because there is no way that I would be able to wake up early enough before my parents had to go to work. Instead both of my parents came home at lunchtime, my grandparents came over and we had tea, cake, and presents then.

I got some really lovely presents; a couple of books, a record, some jewellery, a lovely colouring book, some clothes, and an art print.My mum made me rhubarb and star anise upside down cake, it was seriously delicious!

A couple of my presents.

The whole day I had the Taylor Swift song in my head, I kept singing “I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22″…except I changed it to “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 82.” I feel like that could be a great parody opportunity for chronic illness sufferers! haha.

I’ve been feeling extra ill the last few days because I spent a lot more time out of bed than I usually do on my birthday. I was supposed to have a doctors appointment today, but it got cancelled because the doctor was ill, I didn’t mind really because I felt so terrible, but it does mean I’ll have to wait even longer to get the results of the blood tests I had done. My mum’s going to ring them tomorrow morning to try and get me another appointment as soon as possible, I just have to sit tight until then.

And with that my birthday is over for another year, I’m 22.

Until next time, Rhosyn.

Compulsory Happiness Is Hard

It’s my birthday tomorrow…and I’m not feeling excited. In fact I’m feeling rather depressed.

I always find my birthday (and christmas) hard, in fact I remember writing a very similar post exactly a year ago on my old blog, but I didn’t feel confident enough to publish it. I know for a lot of people it’ll be very hard to understand why birthdays and christmases are difficult, but I’m going to try and explain.

For one, these are some of the few days in the year where it’s practically compulsory to be happy. Now, as anyone with depression will tell you, being happy when you’re supposed to be is pretty much impossible. When I feel like I should be happy, and I’m not, I feel inadequate, and wonder whats wrong with me, why I am not happy like everyone else? Then you have to expend energy on pretending to be happy, and for me, energy is hard to come by at the best of times.

Secondly, birthdays and christmases mark the passage of time in way that’s very hard to ignore. It reminds me that another year has passed, and I’m still not better. This will be my 3rd ill birthday.

Lastly, my birthday makes me sad because I can’t celebrate like a regular person of my age would. I can’t go out with my friends, or have a party, or even have a drink.  It’s one of the few times a year that I get really angry and frustrated, usually I’m quite accepting of my illness and my situation, but that all goes out the window now.

I’ll be ok tomorrow, the anticipation is always worse than the actual event. I’ll have a lovely time with my family, eating cake, drinking tea and opening presents. It’s not how I thought I’d spend my 22nd birthday, but that doesn’t diminish the niceness of it.

I already feel better just for writing this. I’m going to go and open the parcels that got delivered today now, that I didn’t feel like opening before.

Until next time. Rhosyn.